


They told me you were gone...

by Rainamae114



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: Coping, Death, Diary/Journal, M/M, Need Tissues, Now with actual editing!, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-26
Updated: 2016-10-26
Packaged: 2018-08-27 05:36:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8389273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rainamae114/pseuds/Rainamae114
Summary: They told me you were gone. 
"I get to leave and you don't. I don't like this"





	

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this at work in one afternoon. It isn't beta'd. I hope you like it.
> 
> ** 5/9/17, I edited this. I am sorry to whomever read the original.. It was kinda iffy.

_**Day One. Entry One.** _

They told me you were gone.

You’re gone.

God, I hurt so bad just writing that. I am currently sitting in a hospital bed; my leg is broken as are some of my ribs. The Doctor’s tell me I have a concussion as well but other than that I will be out of here tomorrow.

I get to leave and you don’t. I don't like this.

_**Day One. Entry Two.** _

The hospital is sad. The police officer that responded to the scene stopped in, she was very pleasant. She gave me her condolences for my loss.

My loss. You aren’t just my loss, you’re everyone’s loss.

I don’t even know what happened. I remember going out for bevs with you and calling a cab after we had had one too many. The cab showed up, we got in. I think I remember you getting a little handsy as you always did when you were drunk. We made out in the back of the cab. A lot. The driver wasn’t very happy with us. He yelled at us to stop, so we did. You put on your seat belt and leaned against the door. You had this happy drunk smile on your face, I loved to see that smile.

The next thing I know, I am here and you aren’t. They say that a truck came out of nowhere and hit the passenger side where you were. They say the driver of the truck was “on something”, who knows what.

He survived, you didn’t.

_**Day Two. Entry Three.** _

I am home now. Lindsay came to pick me up, she helped me into our apartment. I am currently laying in our bed. They put a walking cast on me, but I still have to use crutches.

I hate it here.

There is too much of you here, yet, not enough.

I haven’t cried yet. I want to so much, I just can’t. Crying will make it too real.

_**Day Two. Entry Four**_.

Lindsay is here. She is taking me out for food. She is worried that I won’t eat. She is right, though, I probably wouldn’t.

Food tastes like dirt. Lindsay and I are sitting in a small diner down the street from our apartment. It’s the one you and I would go to on Sunday mornings (or afternoons) for waffles. They have the best waffles here.

I got a waffle with strawberries on it. The waitress asked where you were; Lindsay tried to stop her from asking. The waitress is now looking at me with sad eyes. I hate her sad eyes.

I asked Lindsay to take me home. I didn’t want to see the sad eyes any more.

_**Day Four. Entry Five.** _

I slept all day yesterday, I think. When Lindsay dropped me off after the fiasco at the diner, I pulled the shades closed and laid in bed.

I got a call from Geoff today, the funeral is tomorrow. I am going to have to say goodbye to you officially. I don’t know if I can.

_**Day Five. Entry Six.** _

I just got home from the funeral. Your family flew in, so did Dan. They all looked at me with the sad eyes.

I wrote a eulogy. It was horrible. I couldn’t read it. I cried for the first time today, standing over your casket. I have to use crutches to get around right now, they were the only thing keeping me upright.

Geoff and Griffon hugged me.

Ray even showed up with Tina. He was wearing his X-Ray t-shirt under his suit jacket. It was nice to see him, I just wish it was under better circumstances.

Everyone from Rooster Teeth was there. So many people showed up to say goodbye to you. They all hugged me and told me they were sorry. Sorry won’t bring you back.

_**Day Eight. Entry Seven**_.

I got angry. I wrecked our apartment. I threw this book and broke a mirror.

This book is my only lifeline to you. They gave me this book in the hospital when I had a psyche evaluation on the first day. They wanted me to write down my feelings about losing you, that it would help me grieve. I still don’t know what my feelings are. I am numb.

I got so angry.

Jack stopped by to check up on me. I was sitting in the middle of the living room floor.

I broke a lot of things in my anger. I couldn't control it, I may have broke the TV.

When Jack found me, I was on the floor in the middle of the room curled into the fetal position. I'm not sure whether I was crying or not, but my face was wet. It could have been sweat, I had overturned the coffee table and the couch.

Jack curled himself around me in a tight hold. It made me miss you more. I cried again.

**_Day Fourteen. Entry Eight_**.

I haven't written in a few days. I couldn't bear to look at this book. It hurts so much.

It's been two weeks since I have seen your smile. I miss your laugh. I miss the way your stupid nose crinkles up when would you laugh. I miss your stupid nose. It was always a little in the way when we kissed, but it made me laugh.

I miss kissing you.

I have started packing up your things. I think that was why I couldn't pick this book up. I sent your Phantom Flex Priority mail to Dan. He called me up in tears when he received it. He thanked me for giving him that piece of you. I told him that there is no one out there that deserved it more than he did.

I haven't packed your clothes yet. They still smell like you, so does your pillow. I use it sometimes when the pain is too much.

Your soap is still in the shower. I can't bring myself to use it because I know how much you paid for it. Why would you pay so much for soap?

Geoff called today. He asked if I was planning on coming back to work. I am, I just can't yet. He said the fans sent a lot of mail for me. There are a lot of condolence cards, they miss you too.

I am going to pack up your computer next, I am going to donate it to Rooster Teeth. I'm sure there are a bunch of videos on there for them to use. Don't worry though, I'll make sure to delete your browser history first.

_**Day Twenty. Entry Nine**_.

I am sitting on the floor in front of your closet, I need to clean it out. Griffon will be here in a few minutes to help me.

I don't know what to do with all the space here now. This two bedroom apartment is starting to feel too big for me. I am thinking for moving. I have already looked at new beds. There is too much stuff here that reminds me of you.

The counter in the kitchen that you would sit on when I made dinner. The entryway where you would start taking off your clothes as soon we got home from work, and leave them all in a pile that I would trip over. The spare bedroom that we turned into an office with all your Slo Mo Guys stuff. The window in the living room that you loved to stand in front of. You would stand there in the sunlight with this content smile on your face. I loved just sitting on the couch and watching whatever you did.

Yeah, we fought. Okay, so we fought a lot, but we always made up. I miss making up with you.

Griffon is here, she knows how I feel about sad eyes. She hugs me and gets to work. She brings several boxes, and separates them into keep, throw or donate.

She came across your “Touch my Awesome Button” shirt. It's so faded and turning threadbare. I grabbed it from her and hugged it close. That one isn't going anywhere.

_**Day Thirty-Seven. Entry Ten**_.

I am moving into a new apartment tomorrow, then I will start back to work. I am glad that I was able to find a move-in ready apartment. It's been over a month now.

Without all your things in our apartment, I couldn't be there.

I ended up staying with Lindsay for a few days when all of your things were gone. Her couch was comfortable, and it was nice to have someone there.

She is helping me pack everything. Geoff, Jack, Ryan and Jeremy are coming over to help move. We are lucky we have such good friends.

_**Day Forty-Three. Entry Eleven.** _

I went back to work today. Reading through all the comments and tweets that I had missed made me cry again. The fans miss you a lot. They missed me too. My desk and your desk were covered in presents. They were mostly from fans, some were from coworkers.

I spent most of the day in tears, for the first time though, they weren't all sad. Reading some of the notes from the fans and messages from coworkers made me feel so loved and supported. The guys didn't put me in a video yet, but it was tweeted out that I was back.

**_Day Forty-Eight. Entry Twelve_**.

I went to the doctors today. My leg healed better than they had imagined. They took my walking cast off and I have to do physical therapy.

I have been on crutches for almost two months. It's good to hear the doctor say that I don't have to use them much any more.

**_Day Fifty. Entry Thirteen_**.

I started physical therapy this morning. It hurts, a lot. I have to go three times a week before work.

I have been back to work for a full business week, though. The weekend was tough between, but I made it through.

My first appearance in a video was AHWU and I wore our “Team Nice Dynamite” shirt. Jeremy made me really laugh for the first time. He flipped fully onto the big bean bag and almost landed on his head. Since I was sure he was okay, I laughed. I laughed so hard I cried. Then I felt guilty for laughing so I cried harder. Thankfully, they are going to cut that part out of the final video.

Geoff thinks that I need to see a therapist. He noticed that I had lost a ton of weight. I eat but food still tastes like dirt. I can only force myself to eat a little.

I think I may agree with him.

_**Day Sixty-One. Entry Fourteen**_.

I started seeing a therapist twice a week. They don't think it's healthy that I write to you.

My therapist is nice though. He says that I am depressed, which I yelled at him for. He, then, said that I may have some anger management issues. That did make me laugh a little.

It is nice though, having someone impartial to talk to. I can scream and yell and cry all I want in my sessions with him.

He wants me to try and not talk to you for a while through this book. I argued with him that I haven't been writing everyday, just when it's really hard. He thinks that it might be a good idea for me to try and speak with the ones around me about what I'm feeling and not to a book. I'll try, but I'm not guaranteeing anything.

_**Day Seventy-Four. Entry Fifteen**_.

I made it thirteen days. It's two o'clock in the morning, I'm sitting in the middle of my bed. I am missing you so bad that I feel like it's choking me.

I called Geoff. I woke him and Griffon up. Geoff is on his way here. I think that he is afraid I will do something bad. I have thought about that, I won't do it though. I know how bad I'm hurting right now and I wouldn't wish this in anyone.

I miss your smile, I miss your eyes. I miss the way you used to kiss me to wake me up. I miss the stupid smirk you used to get before you would sabotage me in a video game. I even miss you sabotaging me in games because I know how much it made you laugh.

~~~~~~~

Geoff made it here in record time, he is still in his pajamas. He is going to make me a cup of tea, he will stay until I can sleep.

_**Day Seventy-Five. Entry Sixteen**_.

After last night, I need to do something. There is no end to the grief, I know this. I just, I need to do something for me.

Geoff asked if I wanted to go to RTX Australia. Someone backed out last minute and he thinks I should go. It will be the first convention without you. I told him I would go, maybe a change of scenery will help.

My therapist agrees that I should go. He thinks being around fans will be good for me.

I leave in less than week.

**_Day Eighty-Four. Entry Seventeen_**.

I am home from Australia. I have never been more blown away by our fans as I was when I walked out on stage for the Achievement Hunter panel. There was a fucking standing ovation for me. I don't deserve that.

To see them in person, hear their words, it was something I have never experienced before. I may have cried in front of over a thousand people in the audience. They have no idea how much I needed to see them.

My signing was even better than the panel. Being able to get face to face with our fans was incredible. I wish you could have seen it. I smiled more in those two days I was there than I have since before...before you were gone.

_**Day Ninety. Entry Eighteen**_.

My limp is getting better. Physical therapy is still pretty rough but it's getting there. I only have to go once a week now, which is great because I have almost punched the therapist. That shit really hurts.

I'm still seeing the therapist, he says that I am doing better. He knows that I still talk to you. He doesn't exactly approve but fuck him.

It's been three months without you. I don't know how much “better” I am but I am trying. There are days where the hurt is so powerful and painful that I can't get out of bed. There are days where it is only a dull ache but I can breathe, I can laugh, I can try to be me.

Three months, things have changed so much.

_**Day One Hundred and Twenty-Two. Entry Twenty-Four**_.

Four months. I wrote a few times, but then I threw them out. It was stupid shit.

Your birthday is this month. I hate it. I hate that you're not there to celebrate your birthday.

Do you know I was going to propose? I had ordered the ring about three months before.. everything. It is still sitting in the box it came in, in my sock drawer.

I have been really angry the passed few days. Good news though, Rage Quit is back and better than ever.

I have decided to get a tattoo. I'm getting the Team Nice Dynamite logo with your name on it. I want to be able to have you with me at all times.

_**Day One Hundred and Thirty-Eight. Entry Twenty-Five**_.

I decided that I am going out to celebrate your birthday.

I was talking to Geoff the other day and we decided to throw a party in your honor. There is going to be food, and bevs, and probably more bevs. It is what you would have wanted anyway. Okay, so I am lying, you never really wanted to celebrate your birthday. But too bad, I will celebrate it for you.

The party is on Friday, two days from now. Apparently, Griffon has been going crazy getting things together. She has been obsessively decorating the house with banners and streamers. She has invited pretty much everyone we have ever met.

Dan is flying in. I called him for the first time in awhile. I'm glad to be able to see him. I know that things have been tough for him too. I think we all need this party for a little bit of closure.

**_Day One Hundred and Forty-One. Entry Twenty-Six_**.

Okay, so I got really drunk. The party started out a little somber. We talked about you a lot. After a little while, we all started thinking that we needed to start enjoying life. You enjoyed life so fully, that we needed to start doing the same.

Ray showed up somewhere around my fifth beer. He hugged me and smiled. He said he was glad I'm gonna be OK. I didn't know what to say back to him but he was correct. So I think I'm going to stop writing after today. First, I need to get something off my chest.

I love you, Gavin Free. I have loved you for a long time, so fully. We fought, we laughed, we did everything normal couples do. I miss everything about you. I loved every single second I had with you on this earth, I don't regret it for a second. You were the best friend, boyfriend and lover I'll ever have. I am going to miss you probably for the rest of my life. I am going to do everything in my power to live my life like you lived yours. Your life was beautiful, happy and full and I am glad to have been a part of it. I love you forever. Signed, _Michael Jones_.

_Fin._

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. I am sorry. 
> 
> As always thank you to the Ladies of RT group on Facebook.


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